I Know You Want My Shecock

The Muppet Testify transcript for Episode 309: Liberace.

Cold open up

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Liberace? Uh, Liberace? Xxx seconds to drape, Liberace.
Liberace	Thank you. Yous know, Scooter … for years I've had piano-shaped finger rings and piano-shaped pond pools...
Scooter	Oh, I know that.
Liberace	Well, I desire to thank the Muppets for making my life complete. I now have a piano-shaped house pet.
	The piano sprouts optics and growls.
Scooter	Whoa. … It wants to be walked.
Liberace	Or tuned. (winks)

Theme

Kermit	It'south The Muppet Bear witness with our very special invitee star, Liberace! Yaaayy!
	The pall opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf	Why must they get things started? (they chuckle)
	Gonzo blows into his horn, with no result.
Gonzo	Rats.
	His horn plays a fanfare by itself.

Opening number

	The canteen. Gonzo picks upwardly his gild.
Gonzo	Thank you, Gladys.
	A chained Creature startles Gonzo, knocking the nutrient off his plate.
Animal	FOOD!!! (pants)
Kermit	Uh, excuse me, downwardly there, for a second. Uh, I'd like you to be on your all-time behavior this evening because nosotros have a real artist on the show, Liberace.
Animal	(jumps) Liberace!
Floyd	Cool information technology.
Beast	(submits) Cool it, cool it!
Floyd	Down. Like shooting fish in a barrel. Stay.
Kermit	Uh, okay, good. Now, heed. Uh, afterward on, Liberace is doing an unabridged concert for us, so I'd similar some nobility on the show.
Creature	(jumps) Dignity! Dignity! Dignity!
Floyd	Down, Fauna. Down, downwardly.
Animate being	(submits) Down.
Kermit	Floyd, maybe you better shorten his chain tonight.
Scooter	Hey boss, you'd amend become on phase. The show'due south started.
	Kermit frantically rushes to the stage, tripping on something on the way.
Animal	Dignity! Dignity!
Kermit	Dignity, dignity.
	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit	Thank you, thank y'all, thanks and welcome, over again, to The Muppet Show. Hey, you're gonna have a existent treat this night considering our very special invitee star is the one and simply Liberace! And later on in the show, he's going to play an entire concert for us.
	A sad Rowlf walks past, holding a candelabrum.
Kermit	Don't take it personally, Rowlf. Anyhow, right at present I'd like you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers. Because, if you lot open 'em, you'll see this.
	Miss Piggy and the pigs perform the Greek number, "Never on Dominicus," while dancing and smashing plates. A traditional Greek dance begins…
Pigs	Hey, Zorba! Mykonos! … Hummus! … Retsina! … Baklava! Hey!
	The tempo increases. Piggy cheers as plates get smashes.
Pig (RH)	I love the bouzouki music!
	Animal shows upwardly with a bazooka.
Beast	Bazooka?
Squealer (RH)	Bouzouki! Bouzouki!
	Animal fires at one of the pillars. Applause.
Waldorf	Greek music. Very appropriate for the pigs.
Statler	The pigs are from Greece?
Waldorf	The pigs are greasy.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The pigs pass past Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, Piggy, yous were good.
Miss Piggy	I was great!
Kermit	Right.
Scooter	Hey — I idea nosotros were into dignity this night, chief. Those guys left a mess out in that location.
Kermit	Well, that's true, but the next act will take care of the cleaved glass.
Scooter	What's the next human action?
Kermit	Alfredo and Hildegard, the mop dancers.
	Two Whatnots laissez passer by with their mops. Kermit speaks to the one in the wig.
Kermit	Hildegard, you look cute.
Whatnot (DG)	I'm Alfredo.
Kermit	Of course.
Scooter	Smashing planning, primary.
Fletcher Bird	Uh, alibi me. I'm looking for...
Kermit	Check upstairs. The dressing room with the star on it.
	Fletcher goes upstairs and enters the dressing room.
Scooter	What'south that all well-nigh?
Kermit	Well, you see, Liberace is planning his whole concert — uh, his whole concert around our feathered friends. He's auditioning birds in his dressing room.
	WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo	Auditioning birds? But he hasn't seen my chicken act! Nellie! Camilla! Get your tap shoes, your seltzer bottles, your bunny ears! Await till Liberace sees this bird act.
Kermit	Adept grief. Uh, hey Scooter, tell Swedish Chef his percolator act is next.
Scooter	Check.

Canteen

Floyd	Hey, Gladys. Where's that fried egg I ordered?
Gladys	Oh! Chef, where'southward that fried egg Floyd ordered?
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Gladys	Yeah, great. Merely give information technology to me.
Scooter	Oh, Swedish Chef! On phase for the percolator act!
	The Chef plops the egg on Gladys's hand and rushes onstage. Gladys walks over to Floyd and plops the egg on the tabular array.
Floyd	That's information technology, huh?
Gladys	'Fraid then, honey. (walks abroad)
Floyd	Can I accept a handful of java to get with it?

The Swedish Chef / Veterinarian's Infirmary

	Open on the Chef, dancing with two pepper grinders.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
	He tosses them and displays a coffee percolator.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de përkølåtör. I përkølåte de cøffëe.
	He turns it on and hums while it percolates. He hears a strange sound, and removes his chapeau to notice a percolator on his caput! The Veterinarian'south Hospital cast rushes in.
Swedish Chef	Whåt de hëy?
Janice	Oh, wow, Dr. Bob. What's incorrect with this man?
Rowlf	Oh, I think he has an advanced case of ingrown coffeepot.
Miss Piggy	(laughs) Is it rare?
Rowlf	Aye. Normally it'due south found in hedgehogs.
Janice	In hedgehogs?
Rowlf	Surely you've heard of perk-upines?
	They all laugh.
Rowlf	On the other hand, pigs too suffer from it.
Miss Piggy	Pigs?
Rowlf	Yeah, haven't you heard of pork-ulators?
	They all laugh.
Journalist	So Dr. Bob has made a house call. Tune in side by side fourth dimension when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, should we become him to a hospital?
Rowlf	No. Simply keep him away from policemen.
Janice	Why?
Rowlf	He'll get a perk-ing ticket.
	They all laugh.

Backstage

Kermit	Okay. I didn't understand that, simply uh, whatever it was. Uh, give thanks you, Swedish Hospital Veterinary Chef. Well, so much for dignity.
Fozzie	Kermit, Kermit, Kermit. Oh, boy. Everybody here is really excited near the — the concert Liberace's doing with all birds.
Kermit	And so I've noticed.
Fozzie	Yep, yeah, especially Gonzo.
Kermit	Y'all're telling me. I had to put a security guard on Liberace's dressing room door.
	Gonzo talks to the guard.
Gonzo	I'm telling you, he's got to run into my chickens.
Baby-sit	Liberace own't using no chickens in his concert.
Gonzo	Well - then maybe he'll see me.
Guard	He's only seeing birds.
Gonzo	I'k a bird. Yep, I'm a — I'thou a turkey.
Guard	You're not a real turkey.
Gonzo	Are y'all kidding? Have yous seen my act?
Guard	(peers in door) Hey, Lee, I got this real turkey to come across you.
	Gonzo whooshes in.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Piece of work was started today on the remodeling of the Muppet news studio, and it is said that... Oh!
	A wrecking ball plows through the wall, startling him.

A word from Liberace

Liberace	It won't be long now. I'1000 downwards to the ten finalists in the bird auditions.

UK spot

	Open up on Piggy, the opera diva, standing on the opera phase.
Miss Piggy	(speaking:) I'k getting so tired of these comedy songs. I desire to sing something divine. I'm sure and I'one thousand certain to shine, As a star in the opera line. I simply honey Wagner, Mozart and Puccini. Their music is simply tip top. From now on, Miss Piggy'll exist known equally Piggini, And see if I can't get a chore. (singing:) I want to sing in operrrra! I've got that kind of voice, I'd always sing in operrra If I could have my choice! Signore Caruso told me I ought to do then! That's why I want to sing in opera, Sing in op-op-op-op-opera!
	Three other pigs join her, including Link.
Miss Piggy	Come in, boys. On three. One, two, three.
Pigs	She wants to sing in opera. She's got that kind of vocalisation. She'd love to sing in opera If she could have her option.
Miss Piggy	Signore Carrrrruso told me I ought to do and then! That's why I want to sing in opera, Sing in op-op-op-op-opera!
Pigs	To sing! (To sing, to sing!) To sing! (Opera!) To sing! (Opera, opera!) (Opera, opera!)
Miss Piggy	All right, knock it off!
	Applause. The pigs bow.

Concert

Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppets are pleased and honored to turn over the rest of this night'southward show to one of the world'due south most amazing performers. Here he is, in concert, what we've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen, Liberace!
	The curtain opens. Liberace bows, removes his greatcoat and sits at the piano. He begins with an elaborate variation of "Chopsticks". He gets up and bows.
Liberace	Thanks. Thank you lot very much. I can't tell you how much fun it is doing this show.
Waldorf	Sure, information technology'southward fun doing the show!
Statler	Mm. Try watching the bear witness and meet how much fun information technology is!
	They chuckle.
Liberace	Hey, I've heard about you guys, and I'm not going to allow you spoil things. I'm going to exercise something for the first fourth dimension. I'm going to dedicate an entire concert to all the birds. I think yous'll savor it.
Statler	If we do, that'll be another kickoff. (laughs with Waldorf)
Liberace	Well, heed, you guys. If you can't say something overnice, don't say anything.
Waldorf	Well, that's one way of keeping us quiet.
Statler	(laughs)
Liberace	Skilful. Oh, before I become started, I just want to explain. I know, peradventure, you lot'll be looking at my fingers and wondering if they're real.
	Cutting to a shut-upwards of his diamond-studded rings.
Liberace	They are real diamonds. … I'm glad you want to see them, considering let'southward face information technology, you bought information technology. (laughs) You know what, there's enough karats here to feed all the rabbits in the earth. (laughs)
Waldorf	Well, what do y'all think?
Statler	(looking through a lens) Aye, they're real, all right.
Liberace	(sits downwardly) Well, without further ado, permit's begin our special concert defended to all the birds.
Dark-green bird	I can inappreciably look.
Liberace	Give thanks y'all, little fella.
	He plays "Misty", every bit the set changes to a a foggy bay setting with seagulls flying around. This is followed by Chopin's "Nocturne in F Precipitous", which is accompanied by a flock of bird dancers.
	Applause.
Liberace	Well, do you lot similar what y'all've heard so far?
Statler	Yes!
Waldorf	You've spoiled a perfect record.
Statler	Mm!
Liberace	Well, I'm pleased you lot liked information technology so far.
Sam the Hawkeye	Mr. Liberace?
Liberace	Hello, Sam. How'due south everything?
Sam the Eagle	So far everything has been very cultural. And that worries me, sir.
Liberace	Well, I idea you liked civilization.
Sam the Eagle	Mm.
Liberace	I played the Nocturne specially for yous.
Sam the Eagle	Okay.
Liberace	I dedicated information technology to the birds.
Sam the Eagle	Yep, yes, yes. Merely! I know this show, and I accept seen your work too, sir. Because you have at present played Chopin, it follow,s as night follows day, that soon y'all volition be wearing a rhinestone tuxedo, and playing shameless boogie-woogie.
Liberace	I hope y'all, Sam, I won't be doing that soon.
Sam the Hawkeye	No?
Liberace	I'm gonna do it right now.
	Sam facepalms and walks offstage as Liberace goes to town on the keys. He and then sings as some Gawky birds take the phase.
Liberace	Eight foot two, eyes of bluish, Only, what those eight feet tin can practice! Has anybody seen my bird? Tall and vivid, what a sight! Feathered friends of such a peak. Has anybody seen my bird?
Birds	At present, if you run into an 8 foot two, Feathered and fine, Lovely wings, all those things …
Liberace	Bet your life, that bird is mine!
Birds	Oh, could she bill, could she coo!
Liberace	Could she erect-a-doodle-do!
Birds	Has everyone seen my …
Liberace	… bird?
Birds	There he is! (cheering)
	The birds cheer as Fletcher does a Charleston.
Liberace	Accept over, Rowlf.
Rowlf	Okay.
	Rowlf takes over as Liberace dances with Fletcher.
Birds	Oh, information technology'southward Liberace. Oh, look at that, he's dancing with you.
	Statler and Waldorf trip the light fantastic along. The birds from the ballot join the fun onstage.
Birds	Now, if you encounter an 8 foot two, Feathered and fine, Lovely wings, all those things …
Liberace	Bet your life, that bird is mine!
Birds	Oh, could she bill, could she coo! Could she cock-a-putter-exercise!
Liberace & birds	Has everyone seen my … Bet your life she's been by… Has everyone seen my bird?
	Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, information technology's been a very special bear witness, and we owe it all to our very special invitee! Ladies and gentlemen, Liberace! YAAAAYY!
	Adulation.
Liberace	(bows) Thank you. Thanks, Kermit. It's really been fun doing a special concert for you.
Gonzo	(WHOOSH!) Simply yous didn't apply my chicken human action!
Kermit	Gonzo! You didn't evidence Liberace that awful tap dancing chicken human action, did you lot?
Liberace	Of course he did. They exercise it in bunny ears. I'chiliad using information technology in my new Las Vegas act.
Gonzo	That's wonderful!
Liberace	I've already ordered the rhinestone bunny ears.
Kermit	I — I don't believe this! We'll encounter you next fourth dimension on The Muppet Show! They make rhinestone bunny ears?…
	Liberace wiggles his ringed fingers equally birds and other Muppets flock the phase. The credits roll.
Statler	Finally, we've seen them do a adept testify.
Waldorf	Adept. Can we please stop coming now?
Statler	(laughs)

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Source: https://muppet.fandom.com/wiki/Episode_309:_Liberace/transcript

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